THE DINNER

Figuring out how to remove all these thoughts of him from my head is harder than I believed. I realized that sometimes i can easily move past him but then there are days where my heart is a loose ornament on a tree waiting to fall on the floor. Funny thing is I tried forgetting, i tried the anger trick. I tried the kill him on site, but nothing helps.
We were invited over for a family dinner.....
Last weekend I saw him he was with his live in girlfriend. They had me sick and ready to kill not only did they look like to crack hypes, but they went into Scott's truck and stolen my tattoo books. I mean my rage was written on my face and he avoided looking at me like i had the plague. As soon as i walked into the house i didn’t acknowledge them and i went straight away to talk to Jay regarding his tattoo I had drawn up for him. I was pulling the pages out and then he reacted snatching some pages showing them to his girlfriend as if he wanted one. That’s when he spoke to me, saying "oh by the way", as if we had been having a conversation. "Her sister would like a tattoo for her 18th birthday." As he spoke to me I looked straight into his eyes with daggers like who framed roger rabbit.
"Nothing too complicated, just stars on her shoulder", So i said so it’s something I can’t mess up. Well that’s good for her. Than his partner spoke saying to not bother me and i was just walking in and just to let me relax, and that was before I realized they have gotten into Scott’s car taken one of my tattoo books. He laughed and made light of the situation but I was in rage I felt betrayed by him. His nonchalant way of taking the book acting like it was just Scott's knowing its mine pissed me off. I was surrounded by there dumb comments and there drunken slurs. They sat at the table drinking there beers working on his hair. Attempting to make his untamed Afro into dreads. He rubbed the grease and honey into his hair saying this is a tip that they took off someone.
Funny how it never dawned on him that putting honey in his hair could be a problem seeing how he is a grounds keeper and the actual amount of flies and bugs would be attracted to him. Although they really aren't the smartest couple in the bunch.
Not once as he sat there acting as if everything was OK did he speak to me. He would glance at me and that's when I'd wonder does he miss what we had? I wonder how bad does it hurt him to see me and not talk to me like before. I thought did he drive himself crazy with the thoughts of me. A flood gate that barely stays close.

By the end of the night I was ignoring his stupid self and I was reading my book. As they were leaving for the night. She came over to me to give me a kiss of death. I thought of how she told him how if she ever had to deal with me I'd regret it. Looking at her trying to play nice; acting friendly was so fake and did not convince me at all. Than she said good night as he just walked by.

All night thoughts of him hugging her, holding her. They couldn't leave fast enough for me. My anger couldn’t prepare me for that , I had made plans to come back the next day to do Jays tattoo but I had this feeling he was going to be there. All night i was so angry at him. I was so unprepared.  

Gypsy's Fortune

This is a long road I set up for myself. How did I end up this far from who I was? Nothing is as it should be and even if it was would I want them now since everything isn’t as it seems. I have so many thoughts in my held, I’m so confused and I want to say and tell you so much.

The loneliness surrounds me in my confusion and I feel his thoughts of me. How crazy is this? Why can I still feel him and why in his moments of intimacy with someone else he thinks of me? I clinch my fist pressing on hoping the feeling in the pit of my stomach leaves me and I hope in the end he gets what he deserves.

 I started this road revenge a type of redemption with the games his toying with my feelings and what right does he have to do such things to me or anyone. Within the middle of my plot I let myself believe in the idea and chance that he wasn’t who and what I know he is. I dreamed of the distant that I would reach and I held out thinking the payoff would be much sweeter. This realm I made for myself I have lost time and my goals

7/22/11

In my dream I was surrounded by a familiar place a family like trip and I was running into old friends and family. There I saw an old flame and we were supposed to meet and go on a date

I couldn’t make it down to him and I was trying to get ready I took a brown sugar rub and used it on my face and I had dark hair with Scarlett red hair and I picked it up wearing nothing but a jacket getting ready to leave to see him he was distracted with other women and the only way to make it down was to climb down and slide down the side of the walk of the escalator and I did that messing up the vendors stand that help me break my fall. Although I was falling where I wasn’t suppose too there was still there angry I went that way but helped me up from my fall

There I stood looking wanting to make it for my date but felt comforted that I had someone there helping me from my fall and helping me back up to where I belonged.

 I could tell that he never changed and he was still chasing tale but I was ready to go to the extreme level to get to his level when his level was clearly beneath me. I tried to become who I am not to reach him and please him and he was beneath me doing god know what. In this dream aside from my discomfort of being embarrassed of what I have done and the things I was willing to do I realize that it was my hearts yearning to have him but the task and obstacle showing me that he is beneath me not even trying shows he was never worthy. Especially surround by strangers that were willing to do more for me than he was.

 7/23/11

In this one dream my older sister Mari was showing me around her house her new place to live. Her child was a baby and I recognized her to be my daughter now. She was teaching me to sing, telling me she’s going to help me and people will love my voice.  I remember coins being stacked and her looking at me with a smile on her face. I know I was watching out for the rows of coins that were there and hitting like quarters and the fell I began to pick them up aggravated cause she was persistent about me learning how to sing I sang and I sounded horrible like I had a frog in my throat and she like see I knew u were losing your voice don’t worry Gypsy we’d get it back.

As a kid we sang together in our church choir. Looking back at that time in my life it was pretty good, leaving and singing with my family. If you look at us now were all so different were practically strangers.

These dreams are haunting and my mind is fighting to tell me to move on to find my voice and take care of me. I need to do this I can’t think about all this anymore me getting anxieties and I feel at such a lost or confusion I don’t know what to do about all of this. But all I do know is that he is a hundred percent over me and if he isn’t well he could have fooled me. He’s planning on moving in with her and her family and eventually I just can’t help but wait to see what happens next. I mean it’s a real relationship that he proclaimed that he wanted. He will do anything for that and I would think that maybe the outcome will be in his favor. It’s just what he always wanted.

I haven’t had contact with him in a month. The underline anger and resentment I had towards him is still there. I don’t think I could talk to him without being hurt or upset and fuel this anger. But as this anger sits with the time that is passing I feel myself missing him. Missing little things that he and I shared. The soft kisses that I never had from anyone else that felt so good.

The sex that at times was phenomenal. His pictures through the phone the texts that said he desired me. To feel desired. The love id feel from him when I had no one else. To feel that I was home with him where I was myself. He is where I found myself

8/5/11

I went to pick up my daughter from her grandmother house. There I find hes been there with his new partner. My daughter said shes nice mom. I felt as if I was just being angry and jealous for the wrong reasons and I have to let it go. I'm holding onto too much resentment and I have to stop. I released the anger I had towards him. So I sat there and conversated with everyone. Just than the keys are in the door and he walked in. He stood in front of me saying hello to everyone and ignoring me. As I wasn’t there he didn’t even acknowledge me with a glance. Just with typing those words I have nothing but a pain in my chest. How could he ? I looked at him how long his hair has gotten and how his voice sounded. I saw he was wearing the clothes I had bought for him when we were out one morning. I remember that morning it was a day it was just us and I picked his clothes for him like his wifey. And as I realized that was one of the shirts he was wearing how quickly I felt I wish I could rip it off of him. I have to controller my So to calm my need I began to ignore his presents He left the room and I played with my daughter and I laughed as if I had no care and before I knew it he had left with his new girlfriend and I didn’t have to see her.

Perhaps she’s avoiding me but the better that he and she does.  That night I was proud of myself not being as upset and trying to work through the anger I mean baby steps are good right. Eventually who knows maybe I wouldn’t want to deal or I can see them in a regular setting

8/6/11

I laid in my bed thinking how in a time of day I would be spending it with him on this Saturday morning. We’d be lying in bed after making love endlessly in the morning hours. But those times are over. I understand the reasoning why he left and I know he couldn’t keep being alone. But I know that he didn’t fight to be with me he didn’t try to move on or up for me. I can’t think of how I wanted him to try maybe to make a life a home with me. I decided on this day I let go all the anger in my heart and accepting that his true reasons as selfish they were was the best for him. I know he couldn’t try to muster up the strength to face up for me. He lied and he went and planned a life without telling me without my acceptance that it was over instead it was played off and once again nonexistent but what to say about that but just I won’t ever let him in again. Despite my heart loving him I will never tell him nor will I let him back in to me. I have to learn to make my life better and happier and that will be without him and I will leave him out of it.

I will let out all the memories I have of us and forget them I don’t want to keep them in my head and I will share them in my blog. Maybe once this heart has left me I can look back at these memories as a phase a relationship like so many others to just be like why did I do that.

I went to work and I was ready to just move on I found some new music nothing EMO or depressing loving yet cheerful sing along music but as I left work and started shopping with my daughter I get a phone call from her grandmother. She was alone and was looking to hang out. In all retrospect I knew this lady was alone. He had moved out and she didn’t have anyone and I thought maybe id be nice and go ahead to make things better to make up and be like ok. I called her that I would meet her at my house and go back to the store and meet my daughter’s dad for lunch. Well the conversation was about him and his new girlfriend. And all there little details of how she felt how the girl isn’t for him and how she also thinks he rushed into this relationship with the stranger. She told me that he didn’t know her from HS and she is basically over bearing a jealous. That’s she’s thrown him out twice and that the JJ his Ex called him looking to see if he needed his hair done and there was a big fight and he broken his phone. 

She said I don’t think that he will or maybe he just hasn’t found anyone that really understands him. No one he’s truly happy with. Funny how she said that but i know he was happy with me. I have letters from him confessing to someone else that he was undeniably happy and in love with me. That he wanted the future. But he ran off cause well cause of his family and how I was his brothers Ex . And hearing that entire well that started my outlook my wall that I’ve been so hard to protect came down. And well I couldn’t hate nor be angry at him it’s just the fact that he just gave up. No matter what I pushed that aside I changed the conversations and I didn’t need this building up inside me. I had to forget him I have too

8/7/11

I found myself going to the flea market alone. My mind took me back to a time where I was there with him when I saw a particular booth of a man that was selling PM figurines. “Pick one”, he said with a smile. He wanted me to have one to remember our date. I couldn’t decided and we left it where next time he’d get me something.

My daughter snapped me back into reality and asked me what was wrong. The wind was picking up and you could see the storm clouds coming so we had to hurry. I walked there a couple aisles before I thought of more memories of him and me. I hadn’t heard from my sister and I found it strange. I mean she moved away and I never thought it was going to to be this hard with her gone. Shes usually my outlet.

Normally when shes busy out with people doing her “thing” she doesn’t really hit me up. But as I messaged her that I hated her for avoiding me all weekend She finally called me and sounded as if with excuses from where shes is at Than she finally said her and my other sister had planned on going to some amusement park kinda arcade for kids and didn’t invite me. I think I felt my heart crack more

I couldn’t say a word and I tried not too. How could she not have called me and I was upset that I was left out. We hung up and I was so upset I started to cry . I cried cause I missed her I cried cause she moved away or is it cause I'm alone.

Than that was it what had me crying uncontrollably. I was alone. I missed her so much I was alone and I missed HIM. I missed his laugh his look, his eyes his touch his lips and his soft kiss. The way he was always there for me I missed him. And through out hating him and the anger I had towards him for the past 2 months Ive never cried I never let myself miss him or be vulnerable for him and that’s it I had built up so much pain It finally broke through.

But where was he and could he still feel me like before. I didn’t know how to stop how to make me feel better. And I switched off; I had too and I have to not let that happen again I must move on.

I’ve been walking in an emotional wreck I have things that remind me of him for all the times together. My Ring from my birthday he asked me to where to be his forever. The ring now is hanging on my chain from the rear view mirror in my car. My sweetest day gifts of my sock monkey on my desk. My  skeleton elephant sticker that he bought me last Christmas. Plugs for my ears, clothes he bought me;  pictures he has sent letters he said he loved me. In cleaning my office drawers I found my old flash drive with pictures from him. Things from year back 2oo7 till the present. I even have pictures emails from him with words that say that without me in his life there is no him. He’s not himself without me, I read his letter that has me thinking the circumstances it was all circumstances.

Ridiculous moments I remember before we made love and looking at it the situations now as I picture the moments as I sit working listen to music that remind me of him makes me realize that I love every moment and they were so romantic. Those were the moments that you watch in a movie like the “The Notebook”.

Since Ive been thinking about him more I realize that I I'm letting him in. Thinking of what if he were to try to come back to talk to face me, to tell me he misses me.